SPARKLE = POWER

Image: Thoth Crowley Tarot

In a recent session with my creative mentor, Heather Bleasdell, I received my latest wake-up call. I had entered the session planning on discussing the current developments with the Reclaiming Beauty Playshop. However, before I could bring up this topic, Heather went straight to the core issue. She asked, “What’s going on with your body?” With an inner grumble of knowing that she was right on with this question, I told her about the recent flare up and spread of a skin condition that I have had on and off for the past five years (psoriasis). I shared with her how the struggle with psoriasis has been an issue in my beauty walk because I feel it is an external mark for the world to see that I am not healthy – a mark that diminishes my sparkle. As she was compassionately grilling me about the need for me to take responsibility for my health in order for the change I desire to occur, she made this statement that kind of blew my mind: SPARKLE = POWER. It wasn’t the psoriasis that was diminishing my sparkle, but rather my disempowered approach to my health and my healing.  Gotta love that Heather.

This exchange was perfect timing for me as I am coming up on my birthday (Yay!) which for me heralds movement into a new Growth Cycle in the tarot: my Hanged Man year. (Good-bye Strength/Lustre year – I loved every minute!) The Hanged Man is an archetype representing the principle of surrender and breaking old patterns. The symbols on this card are very fascinating to me. The upside down man is making an upside down number four with his legs. In the tarot, the number four is the Emperor: the principle of personal power and leadership. The Egyptian Ankh (the reversed cross holding the foot of the Hanged Man) is a symbol of unlimited life force, constantly accessible for creative use. Another symbol of the potential for transformation, the snake, is found on the card as the coil  from which the man is hanging as well as encased below the crown of his head. All of these symbols tell the story of the power available to a person who is willing to break free from destructive and limiting patterns.

This card teaches that we can access our ability to transform our limitations into power/sparkle by getting new perspectives on old stuck patterns and sacrificing the needs of the ego which no longer serve us. Angeles Arrien explains it in this way, “The Hanged Man reminds us that our “hang-ups” can either prevent growth and evolution or they can serve to teach us where we need to free ourselves from undue self-imposed limitations. It reveals the part of ourselves that is willing to love ourselves enough to break limiting and destructive patterns within our personality.”

Image: Osho Zen Tarot

I love the Osho Zen Tarot deck’s image and interpretation of the Hanged Man symbol which it names “New Vision.” The figure on the card is dancing a wild dance of freedom from her stuck patterns. She has a newly accessed ability to see life and it’s challenges with fresh eyes. The image beautifully captures what the Hanged Man year offers if one chooses to accept the challenge, to answer its wake-up call. I want that freedom dance.

Soon after this session with Heather I did a 3 card reading for myself asking the question, “What do I need to focus on as I move into my Hanged Man year?”  Enter reinforcement of what needs to happen this year…

Nature of the Situation: XIII. Death/Rebirth – highlighting the surrender and letting go aspect of the Hanged Man – as anyone who has worked on making changes for their health knows, it is a grieving process to let go of those unhealthy coping behaviors, yet this grieving process is necessary for a rebirth to occur

Action Needed: Three of Swords: Sorrow – highlighting the need to release sorrow held in the mind – sorrow that influences my issues with being stuck and staying in old patterns and behavior choices that have a negative impact on my health – challenge my head tripping

Outcome: Four of Disks: Power – Yep, I hear you, Universe.

I would love to hear how other people are working with breaking free of stuck patterns to access their sparkle/power. Please comment if you feel inspired.

Break on through to the other side,

~ Heidi

Walk in Beauty

Four years ago I was working very comfortably as a Qualified Professional for Appalachian Counseling doing case management and brief therapy for people with mental health issues. I was good at what I did and it came easy for me. The owner of Appalachian Counseling, Jane Ferguson, had just opened a new residential treatment center for women with eating disorders in Brevard – Tapestry. She was looking to hire a new therapist for Tapestry and out of the blue called me and asked if I would be interested in interviewing.  At first, to myself, I said an immediate ‘H*** no!’ I had some experience working with this population and knew that the issues they faced were very close to home to my own challenges. I also knew I had a lot to learn in order to help these women in an effective way. Luckily, I kept that ‘H*** no!’ to myself. I went home and talked over this opportunity with my husband. He made an excellent point… how often does a person receive a call like this one, a call to take the next step in their professional and personal journey? I felt honored that Jane saw some potential in me that I had not recognized myself. I heard the call and accepted the challenge and have been working for Tapestry ever since.

Over the last four years I have come to see my work at Tapestry as Feminist Activism. I work to help empower women, one at a time, by planting seeds to free them from their struggles with food and body image. In the recovery process, it is often said that body image is the last and hardest thing to shift. This makes sense because in our current society it is truly a radical practice for women to reject the physical “ideals” that are being sold to us. More and more I am seeing that external struggles with body image are playing out internal struggles with how a person values oneself. Body image can shift as a person begins to connect to and embrace their authentic Self and live from that place. In the process of helping people heal their food and body issues, I feel grateful for the opportunity to serve as a midwife for the true Self.

Throughout my process, I have been interested in the concept of beauty and how a woman can reclaim her own beauty. A clue that beauty was an important aspect of what drew me to this work was offered to me the very first Family Weekend I was involved in at Tapestry. During this weekend, the father of one of the residents, a man who had some Native American heritage, shared a poem that intrigued me. It was the following traditional Navajo prayer:

In beauty may I walk

All day long may I walk

With beauty before me may I walk

With beauty behind me may I walk

With beauty above me may I walk

With beauty all around me may I walk

Walk in beauty

Walk in beauty

Sensing the deeply spiritual understanding of beauty held by the Navajo Indians, I wanted to learn more about this prayer. My research efforts on the internet proved to be less than satisfyng. I learned of a ceremony called the Beautyway in which the Navajo participate to regain a sense of Beauty, Balance and Harmony. I would really love to know more about this ceremony first hand so if anyone reading this post could connect me to someone who might have more information I would be so thrilled. I did see the following definition: The concept ‘to walk in beauty’ is the process of being connected to one’s true Self – the Soul self. This definition resonates with my own understanding of what makes a person beautiful. Through the process of gaining Self-Knowledge, I have worked to connect to and embody my own sense of beauty, so naturally this is what I value in the work I do as a counselor.

Self-knowledge seems to be the thread that connects my various interests and obsessions. Counseling, yoga, songwriting, expressive arts, the enneagram, tarot, astrology, internal family systems, my relationships – all are tools for gaining deeper Self-knowledge and therefore gaining a deeper sense of one’s beauty. In my own Beauty walk, it is time to further my exploration into beauty with the Reclaiming Beauty Playshop. I am excited to be starting a 6 week Reclaiming Beauty pilot group. I have invited some friends to join me in experimenting with the reclaiming beauty ideas. I look forward to deepening this exploration and sharing it with others.

What is your definition of beauty? Is it wide enough to include your Self? In what ways do you embody your Self-knowledge and therefore your beauty?

I will leave you with a beauty way perspective on the Buddhist Loving Kindness Meditation offered from one of my yoga teachers, John Friend, creator of Anusara Yoga:

May all beings, including myself, be free from pain and suffering

May we all awaken to the essential goodness and beauty that shines in our hearts

I honor the beauty within you from the beauty within me

Walk in beauty

Image: Anahata Katkin

We may be ugly, but we are here: Gratitude as a reclaiming beauty practice

Last Spring, as I was driving home from work, I heard a powerful report on NPR about the recovery effort in Haiti after the worst earthquake in the country’s history occurred January 12, 2010.  The aftermath of this devastating earthquake, which left more than 250,000 dead and up to 1.5 million homeless, truly tested the resiliency of the Haitian people. However, I was struck by the reported motto of the Haitian people in the face of this tragedy: “Nou Met Led Me Nou La!” which translates to, “We may be ugly, but we are here.”

In the context of my work with women who struggle with disordered eating and body image issues, this statement was mind-blowing. It is amazing how quickly the important aspects of life are put in perspective when reflecting on this level of human loss and suffering. And how powerful the expression of gratitude at the most basic gift of life.

For weeks after I heard this story, whenever I would hear a client struggling with their body image, the uncensored version of me would want to shout loudly: “You may be ugly, but you are here!” Luckily, I recognized that this kind of statement would most likely not communicate empathy to my clients like they are used to receiving from me. After all, I am usually the one that educates them on the various factors that make a person susceptible to negative body image including low self-esteem, societal and familial messages, biological vulnerability in the form of perfectionistic and obsessive-compulsive traits, developmental history and trauma history. With this level of understanding, I would never want to communicate a simplistic, snap-out-of-it message like: ‘Get over yourself and appreciate what you have!’ Yet, I do see a benefit in sharing this Haitian recovery motto with my clients – developing a mindfulness practice of replacing bad body thoughts with gratitude thoughts.

Bad body thoughts, no matter what their root, can become a repetitive tape in a person’s head. Eventually, people who struggle with negative body image may not even realize what triggers them to start thinking the disparaging thoughts – they have become a well-worn pathway in the brain. But the exciting truth that meditators have known from experience, and researchers are now proving, is that we can train our minds and change our brains by using mindfulness. We can replace the bad body thought pathways with new pathways of gratitude.

Mindfulness, as defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn, is the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judgement. Using gratitude as a reclaiming beauty practice, a person becomes aware of their mind starting down the path of bad body thoughts, without judgement, and then shifts their focus to gratitude. This process creates a new mental filter of appreciation. Ask yourself: What CAN I appreciate about my body? Shift your focus from FORM to FUNCTION.

A daily gratitude practice can be a helpful tool in training your brain to shift its focus. Here are some ideas from M.J. Ryan’s book, Attitudes of Gratitude:

~ Identify 3 things you are grateful for today and what is your part in them?

~ How could things be worse? I’m glad I’m not…

~ When you are struggling, look for the “gift in the wound.” Ask yourself: How have I grown through this difficulty?

I am grateful for the blessings around me, which I can appreciate best when I am attending to them- my beautiful son and husband, our home, my family and friends, fulfilling work, a healthy back so I can move my body again, motherhood and creative outlets. In this season of giving thanks, I am happy to join in the chorus: We may be ugly, but we are here!

You are NOT ugly, but you ARE here! What are you feeling thankful for?

Please leave a comment if you feel inspired.

Emancipate yourself

I am back to feeling up in the air about whether or not I will launch the 8 week Reclaiming Beauty workshop this fall. My collaborator took an opportunity to move to California with her husband, and I am again face to face with questions:  Am I ready to put my passions and purpose out there? Am I truly living my life in authentic alignment with my Reclaiming Beauty philosophy?

Through my parallel process of this Strength/Lustre year, I have been exploring my mind/body/spirit to see where I can more finely tune my inner experience to be living from my own philosophy. I texted my sister with some thoughts that have been heavy on my heart through this process, and she responded, “You need to read this awesome blog, embody yourself. The author is so wise.” She reminded me to tune in again to my inner wisdom. I’m left with a question that my clients often ask me… Why is our own inner wisdom so hard to hear?

I know for me this challenge – to hear and heed my own inner wisdom – is impeded by old and stale false beliefs of self-doubt. My self-doubt stems from believing my power is drained by my emotional/intuitive/sensitive nature. Here again are the feminine archetypal qualities that I champion and channel into my work- and then in my inner work must champion in myself over and over again so that I don’t take the self-doubt out on my body/spirit.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then my thoughts, the actions they lead to, and wondering why I still feel stuck in this self-doubt will definitely make me crazy. When I catch myself falling back into the old false belief system, I have an opportunity to practice what I preach. I love to quote Bob Marley to my clients: “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.” We must question our inner authority – freeing our minds requires questioning the beliefs from which we are living.  (thank you, Geneen Roth) When I can use my inner wisdom to compassionately witness this negative mental process, I become angry at all the reasons this belief was formed in my mind. And anger brings energy that can be channeled into change. I am tired of draining my energy through this self-doubting… I know my power can be fully claimed so that I can be effective and authentic in my life and my work.

Strength/Lustre in 2010

One of my personal tools for growth and exploration is the tarot deck, and I have been studying tarot cards since I bought my first deck on Union Street in San Francisco in 1999. My current Growth Cycle Card for the year 2010 is number 11, Strength/Lustre. According to Angeles Arrien’s The Tarot Handbook, the following is what 2010 has in store for me:

Return of wonder, awe, passion, vitality and excitement! Demonstration of creative and physical strength. Attraction to creative, passionate people. The capacity to utilize all of one’s multi-faceted talents into one area. Passion for some form of creativity. Strong internal center is developed. Important Leo people in one’s life. Symbol for theater; one who is gifted in playing many different parts/roles well. Overcoming the “beasts” within; strong trust in self is developed.

 

Oooooohhhh! Sounds juicy. As I have been sitting with this symbol, I have noticed many synchronicities with the current developments in my life.  Of course the first obvious one is spending time with important Leo people… my little baby, Joseph, is already quite the expressive Leo. I also have found a fulfilling creative synthesis of my interests and skills in motherhood and in my work as a counselor. I feel renewed inspiration to bring to fruition some of the creative projects that have been percolating in my mind the past few years. And this inspiration has been fueled by the opportunity to collaborate with some creative and passionate people.

So, what does this all mean… It is very likely that this will be the year the Reclaiming Beauty Project becomes more than just a notebook in my office!

The work of the Strength/ Lustre card centers on the archetype of Beauty and the Beast. It reminds us to use our beauty- our unique gifts, talents and resources- to tame and reign the beasts within our nature. I can’t help but get excited about how this card reflects my ideas for the Reclaiming Beauty Project. One of the project’s intentions is to broaden participants’ definition of beauty to include themselves. We will do this by challenging our culture’s narrow definition of beauty and connecting participants to their inner uniqueness. The beast of negative body image and low self-image will be tamed by the participants’ own beauty.

Another aspect of this journey is Strength. Arrien states, “We cannot be in our lustre, our radiance, if we are not also in our strength.”  At the heart of the Reclaiming Beauty Project is the belief that joyful, positive experiences in our body give us direct access to our Self. Embodied movement is incorporated into each session with the hopes that participants will develop a personal practice of movement in their life. Strengthening our relationship to our body, we strengthen our relationship to our life. And then we shine, shine, shine…

With it being my Strength/Lustre year, I imagine I will be having a parallel process of Reclaiming Beauty in my life. I am excited to see what is in store for me… what beasts will be tamed. Of course, knowing me, I do like to keep a few untamed beasts around…

For the project, I will be partnering with the inspired Katherine Dowdney of Blissful Body. We hope to start the first group of women on this journey in the spring. Stay tuned for further developments and information on how you can be involved.

Shine on!